IMG_0593 © by Hans J E

I love turkey day just like the next person but I don’t look forward to it like my one coworker. He actually decorates his cubicle for Thanksgiving. This whole month at least two days of every week he wears some kind of turkey tie. I never knew there that many turkey ties out there. Then there is the casual Friday where he wears his tacky turkey sweaters.

While most Holiday people are prepping for the Christmas season this guy has a screensaver of Macy Day Parade. I don’t know how he does it but his desk smells like turkey every.single.day. Seriously, how does one do this? I swear he always gobbles in meetings. Then there is his email signature – its a moving picture of a turkey.

I guess it could be worse and it IS quite entertaining in the end.

I’m just glad he isn’t this excited about Christmas because honestly I couldn’t deal with the constant stream of holiday music. So, I guess the moral of the story is – it could always be worse.

I just wonder if I am the only one who works with someone who is enthralled with Thanksgiving?

1. The fake phone call – this is always top of the list however it does take prep work. In order for this to work you have to rig your cell phone for speed dial to automatically dial your work line. This way you area able to break away with an important phone call.

2. The Bathroom break – this also take some prop work in order to properly execute it. When you see the coworker coming by having some type of food in hand and start to get up while grabbing your stomach. Then go onto how you have to run to the bathroom. Feel free to substitute food with mylanta.

3. The Urgent Email – first things first have a draft email to yourself on standby and your speakers volume up. As soon as the coworker starts up the conversation click “Send” and bing – you’ve got mail. Then scan it for a few seconds take a deep sigh stand-up and say, “I don’t believe it! I have to go see (insert managers name here) and take care of this!” Then storm off.

I bet there are more and would defiantly like to hear your thoughts on how you deal with that annoying coworker. Let me know in the comments below.

I get it you really like Halloween but do you have to bring in all that damn candy and unplug everyone’s damn mouse? It’s annoying and your “tricks” are that of child. Grow up and get your act together because really it’s just embarrassing. Trying to scare people as they come around the corner gets tiring especially with that damn laughter you get and the, “I got you”. Jesus! You know that laughter in the break room? Well, it IS about you.

Slutty Costumes

Halloween Party 043 © by Robert Bejil Photography

To the girl who doesn’t mind dressing like a hooker because it’s “Halloween” we know you are just looking for attention because your boyfriend/fiance or whatever the hell he is this week isn’t paying you any attention. While the guys don’t mind looking it is quite depressing when you constantly throw yourself at them only to have them reject because you start asking them if you look pretty. When they hesitate for a second you immediately  start crying.

Thank God Halloween is one day because I can’t stand these people.

I don’t mind having a couple glasses of wine and enjoying myself. If I’m hung over though I don’t come into the office or I try give myself a quick remedy. This coworker? Nope, they don’t care.

How was your New Years Eve party? Are you at work tossing your holiday cookies? I can’t be the only one dealing with this…right?

#1 Sports Fan

I’m a sports fan – I really am. I have some favorite players and teams. I spend some of my weekend watching some of the college and pro games. I’ll even read the sports section and look over my fantasy football team. I’ll make jokes about the latest lame attempt of a struggling team with my coworkers.

What I won’t do is spend all day Monday and Tuesday talking and analyzing every.single.game. I get it – you’re a sports nut. More power to you brother but seriously when we need your input on a project spending 20 minutes talking about the AFC’s defense isn’t worth it. You have know something is up because in the fall / winter you are never picked up on end of the year projects.

This COULD be the reason you were passed over, several times, for a promotion. Who am I though? I love sports but you take the cake in this one buddy. Congrats!

Office Romance

Why? Why? WHYYYYY? Why do people fail to read what I write? Seriously?! It’s happening again even AFTER I wrote Office Romance is a No-No! I’m going to stop writing because what I do write people just don’t want to pay attention.

I understand it’s your life. I understand that you’re “single and ready to mingle” but seriously it really does hinder your co-workers performance.

So, here’s the story and like Law and Order the names have been changed to protect the innocent but the story is true.

Tom who works in my department recently broke up with his long term girlfriend of seven years. Almost married he basically got cold feet and didn’t want to be tied down. Now, this young individual whose been in my department for the past four years and have grown a friendship with. Yet, was a little taken back when he came up to me last week:

Me: “Hey Tom – you and Sandi have any plans this week?”

Tom: No, we broke up – a week ago. She was talking about getting married and having children…I don’t want kids right now and she knew that.

Me: “Wow…I’m sorry to hear that”

Tom: It’s fine – I’m over it I’m single and ready to mingle

*eye roll*

Me: Ok

Tom: Hey, you know Missy over in Accounting? I think I’mma ask her out. I’ve been checking her out for the past year and I heard she’s been asking about me.

Me: NO! Don’t do this – it never turns out right. The last thing you want is cause some drama at work.

Tom: Yeah…you’re right. I gotta get – Matt needs these reports before 5.

End of conversation, right? I thought so but later that day I hear through the inner-office grapevine that Tom DID in fact ask Missy out and this past Friday they went out. Apparently it was an all weekend date because all I’m hearing is that she stayed at his place the whole time and there are whispers of “tramp” and “player” going around. Nothing but dirty looks are when the two are around.

Please don’t be Tom and Missy and have this happen.

I’ll keep you posted as this develops.

The narcissistic coworker

Something about working with a narcissistic coworker that makes the day so pleasant. Is the sarcasm jumping off the page? Okay if you haven’t figured yet I am totally joking and cannot stand these type of people. If you don’t know the type they are the ones that can’t help themselves in giving themselves a pat on the back. The essence of self-loathing.

There is usually one in particular in every office. You know the one. Guaranteed you’re thinking of their name right.this.minute. It’s not that you’re trying to ‘mean’ but being realistic. This is the coworker that every time they get put in a group with you – you sigh. You sigh heavy.

Below is a list of traits that I’ve combiled to know when you are working with a narcisstic coworker, or worse – you are one.

It’s All About ME-ME-ME

You’re dog just died and all the coworkers all giving you their condolences…except one. This particular one decides to go into a 20 minutes about how THEY lost their pet and how THEY got over it. Go figure.

Look At ME!

Oh, you just knew it was coming didn’t you. This individual does anything they can to not just be the star of attention – just attention from anyone. If there was a lull in the office this coworker would insist on telling some outragous tale that is more than likely made up on the spot. It’s that feeling you get when you know a child doesn’t get enough attention at home. It’s quite sad.

I DID IT!

Oh, this is the best part. As I mentioned in the begining if you are working with a narcissistic on a project. No matter how big or small the project may be this person feels the need to make sure EVERYONE knows exactly what they did on it. They might’ve just come up with two graphs on a presentation but will ask everyone in the office about it.

Whose #1?

No need to ask the question because everyone knows…right?

Okay, now while this has been written towards “co-worker” believe me I’ve worked under some narcissistic managers in my time and they all have the same traits mentioned above.

Have I missed one? Feel free to share below.

What I am going to TRY and do is pull out a few things that my co-worker’s do that classify them as being an ‘idiot’.

It is JUST A JOB!

We are not working to save lives. We are not in gun battle. We work in an OFFICE. Yet, time and time again some of coworkers feel the need to stress of every.little.thing.

While I mentioned a little about my Chicken Little Co-Worker this particular disease tends to spread around the office rather quickly.

I do not convey just surfing the web and not doing any work but let’s be realistically here people. Unless you are saving lives or protecting them (Thank you Jack Bauer) then your stress level should not be THAT HIGH.

It IS a JOB!

From those that stress over a misplacing a paperclip (yes, it has happened) to those who feel the need to surf the web and talk on the phone all.freaking.day.

While this is the other end of the spectrum of #1 – we do have a job and we do need to get things done. That game of minesweeper and your story about your weekend to your ‘best friend’ can wait 30 minutes, right?

TRY to be Smart

It’s a stretch for some of the co-workers but yet they still can’t accomplish it. As hard as they try they just can’t seem to understand simple things. From turning on a computer (even though they’ve worked on one for 10+ years) to where emails go after you hit “SEND“.

These are the individuals who feel the need to ask a question at a meeting when the meeting was just over last week’s meeting and looking for progress updates. QUESTION’S ARE.NOT.NEEDED!

Sorry, a little upset about that one…well, you would to if you had to sit thru 2 hours of management rambling over the same thing they said last week.

*groan*

Please tell me I’m not alone on these top 3 before I try to hang myself with my mouse cord…just kidding, honestly.

Two men were working on a waterborne excavator when it collapsed and pinned one underwater—just deep enough to make breathing mostly impossible. Jumping into action, witness David Thomson ripped off his clothes and dove into the chilling waters to rescue the dying man, known only as John.

Struggling to keep John’s airways above water, Thomson yelled for someone to find him a tube, snorkel, funnel or anything he could use to transfer air down to keep him alive. A witness was able to find a vacuum cleaner hose in Thomson’s own boat-rental kiosk. Thomson used the hose to blow air into John’s lungs until the paramedics arrived, 10 minutes after the excavator had originally collapsed.

Thomson and John’s unidentified coworker have been recommended for bravery awards. Sure, it’s very brave of Thomson, but I could only hope that the hose hadn’t just been used for vacuuming up spiders—or God knows what else—before it was converted into a breathing apparatus. [The Age via AdelaideNow]

I bolded and underlined the portion that really stood out to myself and thus spurns today’s question.

Have you ever been nominated for an award or nominated a co-worker for one? Maybe it hasn’t been for literally ‘saving’ a co-worker’s life but perhaps for work on a project?

Nonetheless here are some things I’ve noticed when it comes to office romances.

Middle School Flirtations

As I said before work is pretty much high school all over again. Yet, when it comes to office romance they seem to revert to junior high. Passing notes and giggling. While if I was on the outside of the glass I wouldn’t help but roll my eye’s and keep going about my life. Yet, when it comes to getting a job done and my name is on the docket then I get a little upset.

These flirtation’s are just step one and it’s all innocent. You can usually spot this step when ‘physical’ notes are passed around the office and giggling is heard when email’s are opened.

Bringing Sexy Back

Ah, Justin Timberlake would be SO proud of you (too bad you all can’t hear my sarcastic tone in my typing). This is when the romance get’s a little TOO interesting. It’s when the “couple” tend to wear items they should have stopped wearing 15 years ago. They THINK they might be wearing these clothes to get an arousal out of the other couple. From short skirts and tight blouses to suit’s fit for a 7th grader (I’m guess trying to show off their…muscles?).

Copies and Emails

Why? Seriously why am I looking at this copy machine and seeing ‘cheeks’? Why did I get this ‘pornographic’ email telling me in detail what you’re going to do to me?

That’s right people – it happens. Office romance starts to spill out into the main office. So you decide to “work late” and some how your ‘co-worker’ is helping you on a project. Then the next morning we find items around the office we shouldn’t. Or you fail to check your “To:” box on who exactly your sending this ‘particular’ email to. COME ON!

Love is War

Oh boy here we go (insert eye roll). This is when it all hits the fan and fingers are pointed and in the end someone loses a job all because an attraction happened at the office.

So, if you absolutely cannot control yourself with a co-worker then you really need to quit your job or have them quit if you want that relationship to blossom because in the dozen or so romance’s I’ve seen – not one has gone beyond the office.

Have you ever been involved in any or seen an office romance? Add your two cents and let us know.